I Can Explain
by Sarah1281
Summary: Hermann walks in on Newt about to drift with a kaiju brain. "I can explain!" Well, he can try. Somehow he doesn't think "because I can and it's really cool" being one of his reasons will impress his boyfriend very much.


Note: Written for the prompt Hermann walks in on Newt about to drift with a kaiju brain. "I can explain!" on the newmannprompts

* * *

"I can explain!" Newt said, dropping the pons headset he was about to put on his head.

Hermann leveled his most unimpressed look at him and crossed his arms. "Can you."

It wasn't a question.

Newt swallowed nervously. "Okay, so, like, I know it _looks_ like I'm about to drift with a kaiju brain that I cloned because the other two brains we used were fried. Looks, uh, a whole helluva lot like that. But it's not."

"No."

"No, it's…a thing that…good excuse…"

"Newton, I heard a better excuse from you that time I walked in on you trying to safely mix kaiju blue into a smoothie."

"As I told you before, Hermann, I wasn't trying to make a kaiju smoothie, I was trying to test the process of detoxifying the blood for the purpose of environmental cleanup after the kaiju were defeated."

Hermann nodded. "Yes. Exactly that. Completely ridiculous excuse for a completely ridiculous situation and still better than this one."

"You're hallucinating! I'm taking photos for a scientific journal! I'm going to be on the front cover of another magazine! I'm making my costume for Comic-Con! I actually wanted an opportunity to destroy a kaiju brain but first I had to make one! I can't sleep without the sound of the tank! Do you know how much money Hannibal Chau can get me for this?"

Hermann frowned. "Newton."

"Hermann."

"Why in God's name are you planning on drifting with a kaiju?"

"I'm not…"

"Newton."

"Hermann," Newt said again, feeling unbearably childish but refusing to listen to the lecture Hermann was sure to give him one second sooner than he had to. He might deserve this. Maybe. Just a little. But that still didn't mean he was planning on welcoming it.

"I can out-stubborn you, Newton. You know I can."

Newt couldn't help a laugh at that. "You? When have you _ever_ out-stubborned me? Like ever? In your life?"

Hermann's reply was simple. "Munich. When it mattered. Sydney."

Newt stilled. He forgot, sometimes, because he had the tendency to double down and refuse to budge at the slightest show of doubt or ridicule while Hermann lacked the capacity to care half as much about the various inanities they disagreed with most of the time. Hermann liked to save his moments of extraness for when it really mattered to him and something told Newt this was one of those times. That didn't necessarily mean he'd outlast Newt, of course, but it would be an out and out ordeal. Hermann's patience in these situations was a little frightening.

"Don't you feel you're overreacting?" he asked instead.

Hermann raised an eyebrow archly. "I haven't gone and fetched a grenade launcher to fire at that horrible creature and had you involuntarily undergo a psych evaluation so, if anything, I'm dramatically underreacting."

Newt rolled his eyes.

"Oh, don't you dare, Newton! Not after you almost died that first time. Those seizures were horrifying and it took you far too long to fully come back to yourself!"

"Well, yes, there was that," Newt was forced to admit. "But I really think the problem there was my crap equipment and the fact it was only a tiny piece of a brain and I had never drifted before. It went way better the second time when we were able to drift with a full brain and I had the right stuff to use and some idea of what to expect. You were barely even sick and I was just fine which I think really points to the experience I had by then."

Hermann uncrossed his arms so that his hands could give a very good impression of wringing Newt's neck. "That's the key word, Newton. _We_. That's why I went with you! Certainly the higher-quality equipment would have helped though I don't know whether the difference in the brain did. But you would have just ended up getting yourself killed, or close to it, drifting alone a second time in the same night on your own. We needed to share the neural load."

Newt peered confusedly at him. "Is that your weird way of asking if we can do another threesome right here? Because, I mean, if so this is the most roundabout way of asking I've ever heard and – believe me – I've heard some indirect attempts to have a threesome before. Even said some of them myself before I realized how fucking stupid and time-wasting they were. But then, I guess if you _were_ going to ask it would figure you'd do it like this. Make it out to be all my idea so you could yell at me afterwards if things went wrong and maybe even fi they didn't. And speaking of! What kind of person goes around yelling at someone for doing something they're about to ask if they can do, too?"

Newt didn't think he had ever seen Hermann look so horrified before. Not even when he realized that Newt's kaiju tattoos covered not just his arms but his entire torso or the first time he heard Newt call Pentecost a fascist or when he watched Newt drink that smoothie.

"Newton…I…" Hermann broke off, his face turning a funny purple color. "As if I would ever…why in the actual hell would you…of course I'm not asking to drift with a kaiju brain with you! And I'm yelling at you because you are being a complete imbecile and courting death! Either for yourself or this whole planet!"

Newt rolled his eyes again. "And people say I'm the hyperbolic one."

"You are," Hermann said. "Given how badly off you were after that first drift and the fact it will be a cold day in hell before I ever drift with one of those monstrosities again, you dying is hardly an absurd outcome. And inviting a hivemind that has been seeking to destroy all life on this planet off and on since the time of the dinosaurs opens up a very real risk of destruction to this planet!"

Newt blew a raspberry at him.

"Very mature, Newton," Hermann said, rolling his own eyes. Apparently it was okay when _he_ did it. Which was just typical. "Now stop deflecting. Why are you…no, wait, better question. If you do go through with this drift – which you will be doing over my cold, dead body just so you are aware – how many drifts would that make it? Know that I am expecting an honest answer but that every drift over three I will react appropriately to."

" 'React appropriately to'?" Newt repeated incredulously. "You make it sound like you're going to…to…punish me like a child or something! Or seek bloody vengeance on me!"

"Well you will find out what I mean depending on what your honest answer is," Hermann said placidly. "Now how many?"

Newt exhaled loudly. "This is just the third, okay? The first one without you and the second one with and this one…well we'll see how this goes, won't we?"

"Thank heaven for small mercies," Hermann murmured.

"Hermann, can I just point out you're acting like you just found out I'm a murderer but I only murdered one guy instead of more?"

Hermann considered it and nodded. "You may. It's a very flawed analogy but perhaps the seriousness of it is comparable."

Newt couldn't resist. "No animals were harmed in the making of this kaiju brain."

Hermann gave a long-suffering sigh. "Now that we know this is only the third time and – _only_ the third time, I say, as though that is a reasonable amount of times to be drifting with a kaiju brain – we can get back to my original question. Why are you drifting with a kaiju brain, Newton?"

"Uh…"

It wasn't that he didn't have an answer to that. He totally did. And it was a great answer. But it was hard to put into words and it involved a great deal of impulsiveness and he didn't think Hermann would approve of that.

He struggled to organize his thoughts. "Well there's several reasons."

"Regale me with them."

Newt ticked them off on his fingers. "Well, to begin with, because its super cool and I can which I'll acknowledge right now is my weakest reason but it's also like 80 percent of why I do anything. Then there's the fact that I am a biologist and kaiju have the weirdest and most unique biology that I've ever seen. Like, seriously, do you know how long I'll need to figure out how kaiju that look nothing alike and have different abilities can have the exact same DNA? And you know one of my degrees is in anthropology! These may not be human societies but the precursors are a unique and fascinating – albeit incredibly dickish and genocidal – society we know nothing about even though they've been trying to kill us for well over a decade now and we deserve better than that. It's going to be totally safe to do – well assuming you're wrong and I don't keel over which I'm pretty sure you are – because unlike last time the breach is closed so they can't send any kaiju personally chasing after me and really what does it matter if I feel their creepy little bug eyes watching me for a bit? They can't do anything about it and a little creepiness is worth what I'm going to get out of it. And finally, and what even you have to concede is a pretty good reason for doing this, we don't know if they'll be able to come back some day. We broke the breach, great, but what if they can fix it? Or open up another one? They probably know all about me by now so that's no risk as long as I'm not developing new anti-kaiju measures, which I'm not, and there's still so much I can glean from them! The things I get from them could help me figure out a way to stop them if they come back or-or, I don't know, appease them so they fuck off and just let us live our lives!"

Hermann watched impassively. "Are you done?"

"What? Am I…yes, I'm done! But what is all that? I just through like thirty excellent reasons for doing this at you!"

"It was five," Hermann said. "And most of them were terrible reasons."

"You are so judgmental," Newt sniffed.

"Newton, don't make me explain to you how a drift connection goes both ways," Hermann said. "You are far too brilliant for me to have to do that. Not to mention that you only just stopped complaining when Hannibal Chau did just that."

"No, I know that," Newt said, narrowing his eyes in annoyance. "That was part of my epic reasoning, if you were even listening. I know they'll be able to see things, too, but, like, I'm only one person and they're an entire hivemind. I drifted twice so they probably already know everything about me and if they don't there's not much they absolutely can't know and the fate of humanity depends on it. Sooner or later they'll know everything about me and I'll just keep on soaking up fun facts about them."

"And what about the ghost drifting?" Hermann prompted.

Newt couldn't suppress a shiver. He really hadn't liked the way those eyes had followed him everywhere that night. But fortune favored the brave and what was a little interdimensional stalking compared to everything he stood to gain? "It'll be fine. They'll get a little bit of manic rockstar in them and I'll…I don't know. Go out and try to join things?"

But Hermann didn't seem amused. "Maybe at first. But the more you drift the more your drift connection grows and your goals you outlined make it seem that you intend even now for this to be a rather long-term project.'

"Well, I mean, how do you expect to become an expert on a foreign culture in one or two or ten times?"

Hermann looked pained at that. "Newton, I saw the look on your face when Marshall Pentecost told you he needed you to drift again. I've never seen you look more afraid or more desperate. It's half the reason I knew I was going to go with you if I was anywhere near you when you drifted again."

Newt's eyes went distant as he recalled exactly what Hermann was talking about. It was perhaps the worst he had ever felt in his life and later that night he had almost been eaten by multiple kaiju. "But the second time went fine. And that was my immediate reaction. I knew what I had to do and I did it."

"I watched your face," Hermann continued, his voice softening. "I watched how quickly your emotions changed, from stuttering as you helplessly told him that you couldn't do it again to the intrigue and almost anticipation when you asked if he had another brain. I didn't understand it then. I don't understand it now. But a part of you, even then, even shaking and bleeding and in tears, was looking to drift again."

Newt looked away. "I don't know what you're talking about."

And he didn't. He _didn't_.

"Newton, what have you gotten from me? After the drift?"

Newt blinked at the unexpected change in subject. "I…you know what."

"I do. But that isn't the point."

"I felt some of your thoughts, more of your emotions. Some of your pain was like a phantom pain. I started organizing things more. I almost bought one of those ridiculous sweaters you always like. My German got better. You know. Things like that."

Hermann nodded. "And what did you get from the precursors?"

"Eyes."

Hermann's eyes were sympathetic. "Besides that. You said those faded fairly quickly."

If one wanted to count all those hours running around chased by the giant monsters it turned out Raleigh was right about him not wanting to be up close and personal with as 'fairly quickly.'

"I…nothing," Newt said. "There was nothing else."

"There's always something else."

"You don't know that," Newt argued. "I don't know that. We're the only ones who drifted with a kaiju so the studies on what happens for humans may not necessarily apply. What about you? Have you noticed any side effects? You only drifted the once but it was still something."

"I haven't been nearly as disgusted by the specimens as I usually have been," Hermann admitted. "And I have found myself regretting that the brains were both destroyed when we drifted. Unfortunately, I cannot for the life of me parse out whether that comes from you or from them."

That was…well…fair.

"You can't possibly be sure, either," Hermann said quietly. "The best case scenario is all the things that you said. We will learn so much and advance our technologies and sciences by decades. If the precursors come back we will better able to defend ourselves, perhaps if we are invaded by another species this will still give us a needed edge. All the best possible outcomes."

Newt frowned at him suspiciously. "That all sounds very good but you don't believe in best case scenarios."

"True but I need to contrast it with the worst case scenario."

Newt gave Hermann a very put-upon look. "The worst case scenario being that I'm just going to get myself killed and you would have saved my life for nothing and I'm wasting my potential and what if they come back and I'm not here to save the day. Yeah, I know. I've considered all of that."

"No," Hermann said, his voice nearly a whisper. "All of that could happen and it would be devastating. I would be devastated. But at some level, that is your choice to make. You are the kind of scientist who always half-expected to die conducting some reckless but brilliant experiment and won't be disappointed if you do."

Newt pushed right on past Hermann's confession that he would be devastated because if he let those words hit him then he might as well just set that brain on fire right now. "Then what is the worst case scenario, Hermann?"

"The worst case scenario is that they can influence you back. Maybe even are influencing you right now. It would have to be subtle, of course. Clearly after one or even two drifts they haven't managed to secretly take you over or you never would have stopped them and if you suspected something you would tell me. But what if it's more insidious than that? What if it's a whisper that you should clone the kaiju? Doesn't that sound like something you'd already do? You should drift with it. It will be perfectly safe and there's so much you can learn. And there really is. And the more they drift, the stronger the connection is until they convince you to do more and more for them. Until one day maybe they don't have to convince you anymore. You're the strongest man I know, Newton, but you're one person up against an alien hivemind and I didn't notice any sign of them coming out worse for the wear after you drifted with them. It's not an indictment, Newton, one against millions? It's not a fair competition. But that won't save you. And if they get you in their clutches, they will eventually be able to reopen a breach and come through and kill us all. Our genocide at their hands delayed a few scant years and for what? Because you decided to invite those monsters back into your head."

Hermann painted a very vivid picture. Newt would give him that.

"That…that wouldn't happen. Worst case scenario, you said. You don't believe in those, either."

"Not generally though I'm more likely to accept those than the best case scenarios. It's simply more practical. Safer. Is the potential benefit of the best case scenario worth the potential harm of the worst case scenario? And even if it is something more in the middle, there is a lot of harm that still come from you going through with this. Including your death, Newton."

Newt swallowed hard. "You've put a lot of thought into this."

"I really haven't," Hermann said. "It's just that obvious to me how terribly this could go."

"It won't."

"You can't promise that," Hermann said. "Please, Newton, don't put yourself at risk like that. Don't put the world at risk like that. We only just got done saving it."

"It's not…" Newt shook his head helplessly.

"Look me in the eye, Newton, and swear to me that you are completely sure that you know why you want to do this and it is your desire and nothing else that has brought you here."

Newt almost said yes.

He was very nearly certain.

But there was the vague uneasiness he had been feeling. It was nothing, really. It was just a natural caution in the face of undergoing something that had taken such a toll on him before.

He opened his mouth to say yes.

He shut it instead.

"Please, Newton."

"Can we make it into fireworks?" he asked quietly. He always did love a good explosion.

Hermann's responding smile was blinding. "I insist on it."

Newt wasn't sure at all that this was the right decision. Every cell in his body seemed to be screaming against it. But Hermann was smiling at him like he was a revelation so how could he possibly do anything else?

"You know," Hermann said, as they headed off to locate some fireworks, "I'm very glad that you're agreeing to destroy this brain now but since you were able to clone it the first time it occurs to me you may be able to clone it again."

"Yeah, so?" Newt asked. He put his hands on his hips. "Hermann, are you saying you don't trust me not to just make another one and drift with it the minute your back is turned?"

"Perhaps not the minute my back is turned," Hermann said. "Perhaps not for a very long time. But if the precursors still linger in your mind…we really should drift again to find out."

"Drifting with me to try and see if I need to be rescued? How romantic."

"I have my moments," Hermann said dryly. "But either way, how can we really be sure? No, we're simply going to have to move in together in order to make sure I will be on hand to notice any mysterious cloning going on or you being out all night drifting or trying to end the world or however that would go."

"Okay, first of all, please. If I'm going to be spending all that time doing secret shady stuff I'm doing it from the comfort of my own home," Newt said. "Secondly, how can you possibly take something as big and meaningful as moving in together and make it about your weird paranoia I'm being corrupted by the hivemind?"

"It's called multi-tasking, Newton. One would have thought you'd be quite good at it with the absurdly short time it took you to acquire all of those doctorates," Hermann said.

"I hate you so much," Newt grumbled.

"The fireworks can double as a celebration of our impending cohabitation and then afterwards we can go grab a nice dinner," Hermann said, ignoring that.

"We are buying all of the fireworks they have," Newt said. His hand was trembling but Hermann tangled his fingers together and it was steady.


End file.
